When I tell people that I am an abolitionist, they tend to get a bit confused. After all, slavery was abolished with the ratification of the 13th Amendment, way back in 1865, right? Then I provide clarification... I believe in the abolition of the prison system.
In 2007, the Bureau of Justice Statistics released figures that confirmed that the United States incarcerated 751 of every 100,000 residents; this is more people per capita than any other of the countries that were studied.
This rate is even higher than in countries with struggling political systems and poor human rights histories, such as Iran (212:100,000), Libya (217:100,000) and China (119:100,000).
This situation is made even more unsettling by the fact that the prison system is filled with people who have either plea-bargained or been convicted within the structures of the U. S. justice system, a system which is to this day steeped in racial and economic biases.
For example, a study conducted by the National Council on Crime and Juvenile Delinquency in 2000 revealed that “minority youth are treated much more harshly than white youth at each stage of the
U. S. criminal justice system....When minority and white youth were charged with the same offenses, black youth who had no prior arrest record were six times more likely to be incarcerated than white youth with similar backgrounds. Hispanic youth were three times more likely to be incarcerated....”
Another study, issued by the Washington D. C. Leadership Conference on Civil Rights revealed that “black youth were 100 times more likely to be arrested for selling drugs than white youth, although drug use rates among black youth appear to be about equal those of white youth,” and noted that “blacks who killed whites were sentenced to death 22 times more frequently than blacks who killed blacks and seven times more frequently than whites who killed blacks.”
These facts reveal a chilling secret: the U. S. justice system continues to perpetuate the long-standing myth that America was built upon, that white people’s lives are worth more than the lives of blacks and other minorities. And this is the so-called “justice” system that determines who will make up the population of U. S. prisons.
The Human Rights Watch points out the consequences of this state of affairs in its report “Incarcerated America.” “The high and disproportionate rate of minority incarceration… exposes and deepens the racial fault lines that weaken the country; contradicts principles of justice and equal protection of the laws; and undermines faith among all races in the fairness and efficacy of the criminal justice system.”
Furthermore, the justice system is undeniably biased towards those who can afford more experienced and effective legal council. Many impoverished and innocent individuals elect to plea-bargain for a reduced sentence due to their fear of what effective council could cost or because of their correctly-placed cynicism regarding their chance for a truly fair and impartial trial.
The prison system thereby becomes a holding-cell for those who have experienced American injustice the most intimately, keeping them disenfranchised and denied of many of the rights of democracy. In such a case, it is ethically questionable to assert that the ends justify the means.
Furthermore, the ends of this situation cannot even be described as effective. Although prisons are ostensibly “correctional facilities,” they fail miserably in providing corrective measures that would allow for the healing and rehabilitation of convicted criminals.
Calvin Malone, a prisoner in Washington state, has written several books about his experiences in state penitentiaries. He tells about trying to find peace amongst his fellow prisoners, many of whom are “notorious for sexually and physically assaulting the vulnerable.”
In fact, the Bureau of Justice Statistics has determined that in the course of one calendar year, more than 70,000 U. S. prisoners were sexually abused by either their fellow inmates or by the prison staff.
In Connecticut, prison staff are allowed to use dogs “to terrify and attack and bite prisoners to force them to leave their cells when they won’t do so voluntarily,” according to Human Rights Watch and an article published in the New Haven Register.
The American Civil Liberties Union has documented numerous cases of girls in the New York juvenile detention centers being sexually abused and harassed by the staff of the prisons.
That is hardly the sort of environment that would enable those amongst us who have fallen into realms of violence and fear to correct themselves. One of the reasons prison recidivism is so high is that many individuals convicted of non-violent offenses are eventually released after having endured months or years of physical, sexual and emotional abuse, angrier and more damaged than when they went in.
Another source of prison recidivism is found amongst those whose original conviction was the result of illegal activities motivated by the need to survive while immersed in poverty– namely, petty theft and prostitution. If they are not provided with the tools of correction such as counseling and education, they will experience even greater difficulty in finding gainful employment as a result of their conviction, and the cycle will continue.
In fact, despite increasing prison populations, crime has not dropped over time. Is it possible that, by subjecting violent individuals to sustained levels of further abuse, we are creating a self-defeating downward spiral towards an ever more fearful and violent society?
(the author, Laura McSpadden, with Angela Davis at the 2008 MBLGTACC, aka "Big Gay Conference")
Angela Davis, one of the pioneers of the prison abolition movement, emphasizes that that the abolition of prison is a long-term goal that will involve a massive amount of social reform along the way, including a basic restructuring of how we as a culture perceive crime.“In order to imagine a world without prisons... a new popular vocabulary will have to replace the current language, which articulates crime and punishment in such a way that we cannot think about a society without crime except as a society in which all the criminals are imprisoned,” Davis said. “Thus, one of the first challenges is to be able to talk about the many ways in which punishment is linked to poverty, racism, sexism, homophobia and other modes of dominance.”
Such a reframe, which acknowledges and takes responsibility for the social causes of crime, would lead to a re-chanelling of the billions of dollars that currently go into the prison system into community-based economic resources, educational services, community forums for dispute resolution, medical and mental health care, rehabilitation systems and community services for adults and children– a conglomeration of services that would deserve the term “correctional facilities” in a way that prisons never will.
Quite frankly, I am not comfortable with the fact that the society to which I belong condones an industry that promotes and spreads suffering.
Whether it be by becoming involved with a prison pen-pal program, writing to your elected representatives, volunteering for a community-based outreach program or rehabilitation center, educating people about the realities of the prison system (which, incidentally, we condone and fund with our tax dollars), or any number of other ways, I encourage all to speak up for those who have had their voices silenced.
(this article appeared in the April 25, 2008 edition of the Oak Leaves)
24 April, 2008
17 April, 2008
Indecision Day 2008: An Opportunity for MC's Prospective Students
On Friday, April 4, MC offered a new way for prospective students to experience what the campus has to offer, “Indecision Day.”
Indecision Day was designed for prospective students who are unsure about what area of study they want to focus on during their collegiate career. It combined a typical campus visit with career testing and a department fair that showcased the different areas of study available at MC.
Indecision Day was largely conceived of and promoted by senior Tish Bitner. Bitner, who formerly worked within the admissions department, is a psychology major who now has an internship with the career services department.
She came up with the idea along with Rusty Coulter-Kern, a faculty member in the psychology department. “The idea for Indecision Day made a lot of sense for me,” Bitner said. “It is a program that brings together my experience in admissions with my work in career services and within my major.”
The first activity of the day was SDS, a “self-directed search” examination that is an abbreviated version of what career services offers to currently enrolled students. The prospective students also completed values sheets.
Concurrent activities were offered to the parents of the prospective students. Parents could attend either a workshop on how to support a child who is undecided, a panel discussion that offered parents a chance to ask questions to representatives of different college departments (such as security, residential life and athletics), or a session led by Leonard Williams on collegiate academics.
The benefit of separating the parents and their children at this point was that it provided the students with a situation in which they could explore and think on their own, at their own pace.
After the testing, students and their parents took a tour of campus and had lunch, during which conversations with athletic coaches were an option for interested persons.
The afternoon began with individual feedback sessions between the prospective students and current psychology students before taking part in a group activity designed to help them learn more regarding how their profiles from the student directed testing apply to them at this point in their education.
The last major activity of Indecision Day was the department fair. At the fair, there were student representatives from most of MC’s academic departments.
Prospective students were able to move around the room at will, asking questions of the current MC students and gathering pamphlets and information.
Parents were also present, and of course were likewise able to ask questions of the current MC students.
The MC students were all majoring in the area of study that they were representing. “We presented the idea at a department chair meeting and to staff members,” Bitner said. “All of the students who presented at the fair were nominated in some form by either staff or faculty members.”
The feedback that has been received so far has all been positive. “One prospective student said that it was the best visit day he had been on,” Bitner said, “because he left having learned more than just basic information about the school.”
Bitner also emphasized that the benefits of Indecision Day extended beyond those offered to prospective students. “Admissions was able to provide an experience that will help them get students to attend MC,” she said. “Furthermore, the psychology students who participated were given a chance to actually practice some degree of counseling, rather than just discussing the issues with their peers.”
Although there are plans to have more Indecision Days in the future, the date is not yet set for the next one. “We are discussing the merits of holding it in the fall or winter,” Bitner said. “This would hopefully allow us to get more prospective students to participate, but it would also help the high school students as well.
Not only would they have more time for gathering information; it could also help bring them to an earlier acceptance of their indecisiveness at such an early point in their college career.”
(this article appeared in the April 11 edition of the Oak Leaves)
06 April, 2008
Outdoors in Indiana: Chain O' Lakes State Park: How to Plan Your Perfect Adventure
My outdoor excursion this past weekend was a canoeing trip at Chain O’Lakes State Park with my friend Ally.
Those of you who have followed this series from its beginning will know that Chain O’Lakes was the first place that I wrote about, way back in the fall. So, this is not going to be yet another write-up of the benefits and beauties of the park itself: anyone who is interested in reading about that can refer to the September 14, 2007 edition of the “Oak Leaves,” or check it out in my blog’s archives.
Instead, this is going to be an exploration of some different approaches to outdoor adventures in hopes that it will help people to plan an outdoor adventure most suitable to them. Alone or with a friend? Overnight or a day trip? On or off the water? It’s all up to you, and there are benefits and complications to each option.
You see, for almost all of my trips during the fall semester, I travelled solo. I like being alone in the wilderness. It’s simple that way… I eat when I’m hungry; I sleep when I’m tired; I hike when it’s sunny; I read in my tent when it drizzles; I listen to the critters when they chirp, scurry and howl; I write when I’m inspired. Everything is at its most basic.
And, if you haven’t figured this out on your own, reading is not the same when you do it alone in the forest as it is when you do it inside the library or your dorm. Different things in the writings seem important; you will notice beautiful words and interesting ideas that you hadn’t before; you will like things that hadn’t previously made sense.
But there are a few things you can’t do when you’re alone. It’s hard to tell jokes to the forest, at least not if you expect to get a laugh. I have never yet managed to play a guitar duet while sitting alone by the campfire. And it’s easiest to canoe if you have two people; when alone, a kayak is the way to go.
I also tend to prefer overnight trips to daytrips, except that it’s hard to find the time for them during the middle of a semester. In fact, lack of time is about the only thing that will keep me from an overnight camping trip on the weekends.
However, even those lucky individuals who have way too much time on their hands should consider a few points before finding a campground.
You should either have proper gear (don’t forget a decent sleeping bag!) or enough knowledge of knots and survival skills to be alright without them. You should be willing to go without creature comforts, such as temperature control, mattresses and indoor plumbing. And you will have to have a plan for all of the meals you will need during the duration of your trip.
If you are lacking in any of these categories, this does not mean that you should waste away indoors; get out anyways! Exploration and exercise are great, even without a forest sleepover.
I am also unequivocally in favor of taking trips on canoes and kayaks whenever possible. For instance, on the canoe ride that Ally and I took this week, we saw the forest from a perspective that otherwise would have been impossible. We spotted over a dozen turtles who were sunning themselves on branches and rocks in the river, and literally dozens of couples of Canada geese bathing themselves and building their nests. These are sights that would have been denied to us if we had stayed on dry land.
Nevertheless, it is of some import that Ally and I are both good swimmers with experience on the water. We had a map of the lakes with us in the canoe, and lifejackets along in case of difficulty. I would discourage poor swimmers and people who are unfamiliar with the local waterways from heading off down a river or lake without gathering further knowledge about these two critical aspects of boating.
This is by no means to insult the great activity of hiking. Hiking offers new and constantly shifting perspectives due to changing elevation and terrain. And, because there are so incredibly many hiking trails at the parks of Indiana, there is always an element of feeling like an intrepid explorer, bravely seeing what will come next on the long and winding trail.
So, there are many ways to do the great-outdoors adventure thing. The specifics aren’t the important part; the important part is simply the doing. After all, the world is right outside the door. Let’s go!
(this article appeared in the April 25 edition of The Oak Leaves)
01 April, 2008
ICPA Awards Given to Five Members of the Staff of MC's "Oak Leaves"
The awards and judges' comments--
1st place:
Laura McSpadden, Best News or Feature Series, for "Outdoors in Indiana": "Useful series focuses on outdoor adventures just minutes from campus. The writer is a brave soul who blazes the path."
2nd place:
Matthew Penner, Best Opinion Column, for "The Problem with Styrofoam": "Well-researched column that alerts the campus to environmental hypocrisy. Writer offers a solution, though perhaps an expensive one."
Jessica Hickerson and Adam King, Best Stand-alone/Pullout Section, for "Literary Journalism" : "Refreshing writing examples. Effective use of literary techniques to convey journalistic message."
3rd place:
Adam King, Best Sports News Story, for "Spartan Football Beats Hiram": "Clever lead, good use of sports jargon. Effective support from quotes."
Adam King, Best Sports Column, for "Is MVP A-Rod worth the money?": "Clever play on words (Pay-Rod) and lively writing makes for an entertaining read."
Adam King, Best Entertainment Column, for "Heartbreak Kid": "Reviewed points out the films many flaws, but still finds it entertaining at times. Knowledge of similar films provides a useful contrast."
Jessica Hickerson, Best Opinion Column, for "Support Our Troops, Not War": "Good job of relating personal experience to issues of national concern. Writer acknowledges value of conflicting opinions."
Alina BigJohny, Best Sports Feature Story, for "Hall Director Marinello Made into a Runner": "Charming story with lots of detail. Not the traditional 'make-over' plot."
1st place:
Laura McSpadden, Best News or Feature Series, for "Outdoors in Indiana": "Useful series focuses on outdoor adventures just minutes from campus. The writer is a brave soul who blazes the path."
2nd place:
Matthew Penner, Best Opinion Column, for "The Problem with Styrofoam": "Well-researched column that alerts the campus to environmental hypocrisy. Writer offers a solution, though perhaps an expensive one."
Jessica Hickerson and Adam King, Best Stand-alone/Pullout Section, for "Literary Journalism" : "Refreshing writing examples. Effective use of literary techniques to convey journalistic message."
3rd place:
Adam King, Best Sports News Story, for "Spartan Football Beats Hiram": "Clever lead, good use of sports jargon. Effective support from quotes."
Adam King, Best Sports Column, for "Is MVP A-Rod worth the money?": "Clever play on words (Pay-Rod) and lively writing makes for an entertaining read."
Adam King, Best Entertainment Column, for "Heartbreak Kid": "Reviewed points out the films many flaws, but still finds it entertaining at times. Knowledge of similar films provides a useful contrast."
Jessica Hickerson, Best Opinion Column, for "Support Our Troops, Not War": "Good job of relating personal experience to issues of national concern. Writer acknowledges value of conflicting opinions."
Alina BigJohny, Best Sports Feature Story, for "Hall Director Marinello Made into a Runner": "Charming story with lots of detail. Not the traditional 'make-over' plot."
Outdoors in Indiana: Turkey Run State Park
On March 29th, my friend Ally O’Neill and I took our first journey to Turkey Run State Park.
It is the furthest away of the many locations I will be writing about this year. Although it is an approximately two hour drive from campus, it is well worth it if you have the time.
Turkey Run does not offer primitive campsites. However, they have over 200 electric sites that are spread out over a wide area, so we had no trouble locating one that was both beautiful and off of the beaten path, site 170.
170 sat atop a steep valley, providing a lovely overlook when we sat by the fire.
Although it was on an out-of-the-way loop of the Turkey Run campground, the park was full enough that there were campers at a few of the nearby sites. However, this became a positive situation. Some of our neighboring campers, down for the weekend from Purdue University, joined us for dinner and conversation.
It just goes to show that, even if you’ve fled to the wilderness, friends will find you in the darndest places.
The following day, Ally and I packed up our campsite, drank a couple of cups of coffee, and headed off to the main part of the park.
The only disappointing part of our trip occurred at the park’s Saddle Barn. Although Turkey Run State Park does offer guided horseback rides through the park, the employees there said that they could not take us out due to drizzling rain. So, we decided to go for a hike.
Turkey Run offers 11 hiking trails, ranging in difficulty from “Easy” to “Rugged” and in distance from 0.5 to three miles. We decided to hike down trail 2, a “Rugged” trail only one mile long that is described in the park’s brochure as a trail that “follows under cliff edges. A trail for the more adventurous. Be careful!”
We knew we had found the trail for us.
One of the highlights of our hike was the so-called “Gypsy Gulch.”
Within the gulch was one of the most unique and colorful waterfalls I have ever seen. Although much of the water flew over the side of the cliff in an expected manner, some of it simply trickled down the sides of the rock. The oxidation effect that resulted on the stone below resulted in streaks of red, green, black, brown and orange.
Because the water that poured further out from the rock was moving at a high velocity and wide angle, it was possible to stand directly underneath the brink of the cliff where the waterfall began without getting wet. The perspective of the forest offered from that vantage point was as relaxing as it was beautiful.
The ruggedness of the terrain provided Ally and me with many opportunities for climbing, scurrying, dangling, and jumping. It certainly wasn’t a trail for the faint-hearted or poorly-balanced, especially considering the slickness of the rocks and moss in the drizzle. Nevertheless, our excursion truly felt like an adventure of the highest order.
In the end, it was an experience that could not have been improved upon, and it was worth all of the time and effort that were involved.
Turkey Run State Park is located on S. R. 47, two miles east of S. R. 41.
Remember… the world is right outside the door. Let’s go!
(This article appeared in the April 4, 2008 edition of the Oak Leaves)
JOAK LEAVES: Squirrel Chasing Addiction Brings MC Student to Financial and Personal Ruin
This article was published in the Friday, April 4th edition of the Oak Leaves. This is part of a satirical section of the paper that is titled "The Joak Leaves," and should not be considered to be "real" news. I repeat... Chris Webster is still a student at Manchester College in good standing.
Chris Webster, formerly an MC sophomore who was majoring in art, has been diagnosed with a condition known as Compulsive Rodenita Sciuridae Disorder (CRSD). The symptoms of this diagnosis have, because of an obscure MC rule, brought Webster to financial ruin and forced him to drop out of Manchester College.
CRSD is characterized by an irresistible need to chase squirrels whenever they are seen.
Although typically the sufferers of this disorder can lead normal, functional lives by moving to an urban environment and avoiding parks, that is not an option for students who wish to remain at MC. However, the college’s administration has mandated that students who chase squirrels are to be charged $25 per offense.
Webster is now living in the alleys and on the park benches of North Manchester. His access to Spartan Cash has been rescinded, and he has been known to say, “I’m cold and I want to go home.”
Advocates for Webster assert that he is dealing with an addiction, and that the college should be helping him rather than punishing him. “I do have a squirrel chasing problem,” Webster said. “I just want to catch them and pet them. I find it strange that I have been fined for this, because it has proven very hard to actually catch a squirrel. It would help if I was better at climbing trees; I might have [MC junior] Russell Holl give me some lessons on that.”
Danette Norman Till, the director of MC’s counseling services, laments the manner in which Webster’s diagnosis is being handled by the administration. “Like many mental health disorders, it is possible to deal with the symptoms of CRSD,” she said. “However, given that he is one of the first to be diagnosed, there are no known treatment protocols established. Nevertheless, punishing him for a diagnosed condition is detrimental to his healing process and the development of life skills that could help him overcome his difficulties.”
His former roommate Martin Baldner Yohn, a first-year student, was one of the first to notice the changes in Webster. “No one really noticed at first, but eventually all he wanted to do was chase squirrels,” Yohn said. “I do still see him every once in a while, scurrying from trashcan to trashcan. Honestly, by now he’s become something like the squirrels themselves.”
In the words of first-year student Lindsey Baugh, “It’s not Chris’s fault. Those squirrels taunt him, taunt him I tell you!”
First-year Katherine Pea understands that there is a distinct difference between chasing squirrels and actually catching them. “Is it really Chris’s fault that squirrels lay at the bottom of the food chain and are incredibly fun to torment?” she asked. “Anyway, has anyone actually seen a person CATCH a squirrel? It is impossible! I suspect that sometimes the squirrels actually intend to egg us on. From a squirrel’s point of view, ‘YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS, YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS!’”
Campus Pastor Steven Crain believes that, given Webster’s lack of access to food following the rescinding of his Spartan Cash, the campus should be actively assisting him through this difficult time. “As his campus pastor, I will supply Chris with squirrel traps, a small grill and several recipes for BBQ squirrel. We can have a Simply Brethren Squirrel Roast. It’s the pastoral thing to do.”
Chef Chris Fogerty agrees. “As the MC Executive Chef, I will tutor him in the preparation of said squirrels, so that they may be finger lickin’ good for the Brethren BBQ.”
However, not all of the MC community agrees with these conclusions. “The monster deserves what he gets!” exclaimed sophomore Kyle Watson. “To prey on innocent squirrels for sport… without regard for the victims’ families! With Chris now out of the picture, a more beautiful future is available to the squirrels.”
Sophomore Maggie Winey elaborated on this sentiment. “As a result of being chased, much harm is caused mentally to those squirrels who are being pursued,” she said. “A squirrel that is chased by a human experiences much mental trauma, because they normally see humans as friends and not enemies.”
Junior Nicolas Kauffman, a current participant in the BCA program to Mexico, agrees that the prohibition of squirrel chasing is a benefit to the college. “As Manchester’s recruiting agent in Mexico, it has been my experience that MC’s happy squirrel population is among the top draws our college has to students in this region,” he said. “I am concerned what Webster’s activities could eventually do to our enrollment.”
Nevertheless, there are students who believe that the whole issue has a sinister undertone that is dangerous to ignore. “I think they take pleasure in throwing acorns down trees at the people below,” said first-year student Nadia Nubani. “They might even have an army formulating.”
First-year Nathan Driscoll speaks of a bizarre interaction that he had with Webster, and of its potential consequences. “Chris has told me that squirrels are evil tyrants who are threatening to take over the college,” Driscoll said. “He told me that ‘Those creatures are plotting to overthrow the administration and run the college themselves; that will only be their first step towards world domination.’
“At first I wanted to dismiss him as a lunatic, but then he showed me the scars he has received from his furry nemeses,” Driscoll continued. “He said that about two dozen squirrels had jumped him and threw acorns at him, bit his kneecaps, ripped out numerous arm and leg hairs and stabbed him with small, broken tree branches. I think it’s time for everyone to know the truth. After all, how do we know that the squirrels haven’t already taken over the administration?”
Senior Drema Drudge had even more information regarding a potential squirrel conspiracy. “I think that the reason Chris is getting so persecuted is that he has found out the deep, dark secret the administration has been trying to keep: the squirrels are actually all of the professors who have ever retired,” she said. “They love Manchester so much they get turned into squirrels in a secret ceremony held every May in the underground tunnels, complete with tiny gowns and mortar boards.
“Chris had better be careful-- they’re pretty serious about keeping this secret away from the students,” Drudge continued. “Better he should take a few bites (and possibly even contract rabies) than risk the wrath of the administration.”
First-year Ally O’Neill has noticed the suspicious behaviors of the MC campus squirrels, as well. “One of the first things I noticed about them was their boldness; they stand, tails flicking, right next to the sidewalk,” she said. “Sometimes it’s all I can do not to take off after them. I completely understand Chris’s actions. Those insubordinate little rodents know exactly what they’re doing.”
Regardless of one’s opinions regarding CRSD, it is apparent that squirrel chasing is an important issue for campus life at MC. We truly do not yet know what could still develop from this situation, but it cannot be ignored any longer.
Chris Webster, formerly an MC sophomore who was majoring in art, has been diagnosed with a condition known as Compulsive Rodenita Sciuridae Disorder (CRSD). The symptoms of this diagnosis have, because of an obscure MC rule, brought Webster to financial ruin and forced him to drop out of Manchester College.
CRSD is characterized by an irresistible need to chase squirrels whenever they are seen.
Although typically the sufferers of this disorder can lead normal, functional lives by moving to an urban environment and avoiding parks, that is not an option for students who wish to remain at MC. However, the college’s administration has mandated that students who chase squirrels are to be charged $25 per offense.
Webster is now living in the alleys and on the park benches of North Manchester. His access to Spartan Cash has been rescinded, and he has been known to say, “I’m cold and I want to go home.”
Advocates for Webster assert that he is dealing with an addiction, and that the college should be helping him rather than punishing him. “I do have a squirrel chasing problem,” Webster said. “I just want to catch them and pet them. I find it strange that I have been fined for this, because it has proven very hard to actually catch a squirrel. It would help if I was better at climbing trees; I might have [MC junior] Russell Holl give me some lessons on that.”
Danette Norman Till, the director of MC’s counseling services, laments the manner in which Webster’s diagnosis is being handled by the administration. “Like many mental health disorders, it is possible to deal with the symptoms of CRSD,” she said. “However, given that he is one of the first to be diagnosed, there are no known treatment protocols established. Nevertheless, punishing him for a diagnosed condition is detrimental to his healing process and the development of life skills that could help him overcome his difficulties.”
His former roommate Martin Baldner Yohn, a first-year student, was one of the first to notice the changes in Webster. “No one really noticed at first, but eventually all he wanted to do was chase squirrels,” Yohn said. “I do still see him every once in a while, scurrying from trashcan to trashcan. Honestly, by now he’s become something like the squirrels themselves.”
In the words of first-year student Lindsey Baugh, “It’s not Chris’s fault. Those squirrels taunt him, taunt him I tell you!”
First-year Katherine Pea understands that there is a distinct difference between chasing squirrels and actually catching them. “Is it really Chris’s fault that squirrels lay at the bottom of the food chain and are incredibly fun to torment?” she asked. “Anyway, has anyone actually seen a person CATCH a squirrel? It is impossible! I suspect that sometimes the squirrels actually intend to egg us on. From a squirrel’s point of view, ‘YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS, YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS!’”
Campus Pastor Steven Crain believes that, given Webster’s lack of access to food following the rescinding of his Spartan Cash, the campus should be actively assisting him through this difficult time. “As his campus pastor, I will supply Chris with squirrel traps, a small grill and several recipes for BBQ squirrel. We can have a Simply Brethren Squirrel Roast. It’s the pastoral thing to do.”
Chef Chris Fogerty agrees. “As the MC Executive Chef, I will tutor him in the preparation of said squirrels, so that they may be finger lickin’ good for the Brethren BBQ.”
However, not all of the MC community agrees with these conclusions. “The monster deserves what he gets!” exclaimed sophomore Kyle Watson. “To prey on innocent squirrels for sport… without regard for the victims’ families! With Chris now out of the picture, a more beautiful future is available to the squirrels.”
Sophomore Maggie Winey elaborated on this sentiment. “As a result of being chased, much harm is caused mentally to those squirrels who are being pursued,” she said. “A squirrel that is chased by a human experiences much mental trauma, because they normally see humans as friends and not enemies.”
Junior Nicolas Kauffman, a current participant in the BCA program to Mexico, agrees that the prohibition of squirrel chasing is a benefit to the college. “As Manchester’s recruiting agent in Mexico, it has been my experience that MC’s happy squirrel population is among the top draws our college has to students in this region,” he said. “I am concerned what Webster’s activities could eventually do to our enrollment.”
Nevertheless, there are students who believe that the whole issue has a sinister undertone that is dangerous to ignore. “I think they take pleasure in throwing acorns down trees at the people below,” said first-year student Nadia Nubani. “They might even have an army formulating.”
First-year Nathan Driscoll speaks of a bizarre interaction that he had with Webster, and of its potential consequences. “Chris has told me that squirrels are evil tyrants who are threatening to take over the college,” Driscoll said. “He told me that ‘Those creatures are plotting to overthrow the administration and run the college themselves; that will only be their first step towards world domination.’
“At first I wanted to dismiss him as a lunatic, but then he showed me the scars he has received from his furry nemeses,” Driscoll continued. “He said that about two dozen squirrels had jumped him and threw acorns at him, bit his kneecaps, ripped out numerous arm and leg hairs and stabbed him with small, broken tree branches. I think it’s time for everyone to know the truth. After all, how do we know that the squirrels haven’t already taken over the administration?”
Senior Drema Drudge had even more information regarding a potential squirrel conspiracy. “I think that the reason Chris is getting so persecuted is that he has found out the deep, dark secret the administration has been trying to keep: the squirrels are actually all of the professors who have ever retired,” she said. “They love Manchester so much they get turned into squirrels in a secret ceremony held every May in the underground tunnels, complete with tiny gowns and mortar boards.
“Chris had better be careful-- they’re pretty serious about keeping this secret away from the students,” Drudge continued. “Better he should take a few bites (and possibly even contract rabies) than risk the wrath of the administration.”
First-year Ally O’Neill has noticed the suspicious behaviors of the MC campus squirrels, as well. “One of the first things I noticed about them was their boldness; they stand, tails flicking, right next to the sidewalk,” she said. “Sometimes it’s all I can do not to take off after them. I completely understand Chris’s actions. Those insubordinate little rodents know exactly what they’re doing.”
Regardless of one’s opinions regarding CRSD, it is apparent that squirrel chasing is an important issue for campus life at MC. We truly do not yet know what could still develop from this situation, but it cannot be ignored any longer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)