Chris Webster, formerly an MC sophomore who was majoring in art, has been diagnosed with a condition known as Compulsive Rodenita Sciuridae Disorder (CRSD). The symptoms of this diagnosis have, because of an obscure MC rule, brought Webster to financial ruin and forced him to drop out of Manchester College.
CRSD is characterized by an irresistible need to chase squirrels whenever they are seen.
Although typically the sufferers of this disorder can lead normal, functional lives by moving to an urban environment and avoiding parks, that is not an option for students who wish to remain at MC. However, the college’s administration has mandated that students who chase squirrels are to be charged $25 per offense.
Webster is now living in the alleys and on the park benches of North Manchester. His access to Spartan Cash has been rescinded, and he has been known to say, “I’m cold and I want to go home.”
Advocates for Webster assert that he is dealing with an addiction, and that the college should be helping him rather than punishing him. “I do have a squirrel chasing problem,” Webster said. “I just want to catch them and pet them. I find it strange that I have been fined for this, because it has proven very hard to actually catch a squirrel. It would help if I was better at climbing trees; I might have [MC junior] Russell Holl give me some lessons on that.”
Danette Norman Till, the director of MC’s counseling services, laments the manner in which Webster’s diagnosis is being handled by the administration. “Like many mental health disorders, it is possible to deal with the symptoms of CRSD,” she said. “However, given that he is one of the first to be diagnosed, there are no known treatment protocols established. Nevertheless, punishing him for a diagnosed condition is detrimental to his healing process and the development of life skills that could help him overcome his difficulties.”
His former roommate Martin Baldner Yohn, a first-year student, was one of the first to notice the changes in Webster. “No one really noticed at first, but eventually all he wanted to do was chase squirrels,” Yohn said. “I do still see him every once in a while, scurrying from trashcan to trashcan. Honestly, by now he’s become something like the squirrels themselves.”
In the words of first-year student Lindsey Baugh, “It’s not Chris’s fault. Those squirrels taunt him, taunt him I tell you!”
First-year Katherine Pea understands that there is a distinct difference between chasing squirrels and actually catching them. “Is it really Chris’s fault that squirrels lay at the bottom of the food chain and are incredibly fun to torment?” she asked. “Anyway, has anyone actually seen a person CATCH a squirrel? It is impossible! I suspect that sometimes the squirrels actually intend to egg us on. From a squirrel’s point of view, ‘YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS, YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS!’”
Campus Pastor Steven Crain believes that, given Webster’s lack of access to food following the rescinding of his Spartan Cash, the campus should be actively assisting him through this difficult time. “As his campus pastor, I will supply Chris with squirrel traps, a small grill and several recipes for BBQ squirrel. We can have a Simply Brethren Squirrel Roast. It’s the pastoral thing to do.”
Chef Chris Fogerty agrees. “As the MC Executive Chef, I will tutor him in the preparation of said squirrels, so that they may be finger lickin’ good for the Brethren BBQ.”
However, not all of the MC community agrees with these conclusions. “The monster deserves what he gets!” exclaimed sophomore Kyle Watson. “To prey on innocent squirrels for sport… without regard for the victims’ families! With Chris now out of the picture, a more beautiful future is available to the squirrels.”
Sophomore Maggie Winey elaborated on this sentiment. “As a result of being chased, much harm is caused mentally to those squirrels who are being pursued,” she said. “A squirrel that is chased by a human experiences much mental trauma, because they normally see humans as friends and not enemies.”
Junior Nicolas Kauffman, a current participant in the BCA program to Mexico, agrees that the prohibition of squirrel chasing is a benefit to the college. “As Manchester’s recruiting agent in Mexico, it has been my experience that MC’s happy squirrel population is among the top draws our college has to students in this region,” he said. “I am concerned what Webster’s activities could eventually do to our enrollment.”
Nevertheless, there are students who believe that the whole issue has a sinister undertone that is dangerous to ignore. “I think they take pleasure in throwing acorns down trees at the people below,” said first-year student Nadia Nubani. “They might even have an army formulating.”
First-year Nathan Driscoll speaks of a bizarre interaction that he had with Webster, and of its potential consequences. “Chris has told me that squirrels are evil tyrants who are threatening to take over the college,” Driscoll said. “He told me that ‘Those creatures are plotting to overthrow the administration and run the college themselves; that will only be their first step towards world domination.’
“At first I wanted to dismiss him as a lunatic, but then he showed me the scars he has received from his furry nemeses,” Driscoll continued. “He said that about two dozen squirrels had jumped him and threw acorns at him, bit his kneecaps, ripped out numerous arm and leg hairs and stabbed him with small, broken tree branches. I think it’s time for everyone to know the truth. After all, how do we know that the squirrels haven’t already taken over the administration?”
Senior Drema Drudge had even more information regarding a potential squirrel conspiracy. “I think that the reason Chris is getting so persecuted is that he has found out the deep, dark secret the administration has been trying to keep: the squirrels are actually all of the professors who have ever retired,” she said. “They love Manchester so much they get turned into squirrels in a secret ceremony held every May in the underground tunnels, complete with tiny gowns and mortar boards.
“Chris had better be careful-- they’re pretty serious about keeping this secret away from the students,” Drudge continued. “Better he should take a few bites (and possibly even contract rabies) than risk the wrath of the administration.”
First-year Ally O’Neill has noticed the suspicious behaviors of the MC campus squirrels, as well. “One of the first things I noticed about them was their boldness; they stand, tails flicking, right next to the sidewalk,” she said. “Sometimes it’s all I can do not to take off after them. I completely understand Chris’s actions. Those insubordinate little rodents know exactly what they’re doing.”
Regardless of one’s opinions regarding CRSD, it is apparent that squirrel chasing is an important issue for campus life at MC. We truly do not yet know what could still develop from this situation, but it cannot be ignored any longer.
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